I know I hardly write in here, sometimes I don’t want a document of the things that happen because I’m afraid I’ll look back on what I write and cringe or I don’t want people reading what I write. But other times, I get the sudden urge to write and express myselft and well obviously.. this is one of those times :)

One of my close friends has kept a written journal for quite some time. She’s sort of a private person, but she is a good writer and I’m sure her journal is filled with interesting stories. My other friend and I were asking her about her journal and she said she usually writes what happens during the day. This inspired me to start writing more. I like the idea of being able to look back and see what was happening at that time. It’s kind of like looking at a picture, it brings back memories you forgot you had.

So I was browsing my older entries and I came upon this brief entry: “End of 3rd year, fall semester. Busiest I’ve ever been. Trying to pull my grades back up, wish me luck :) Title says it all.” The title of that entry was “What a Semester.” Hence the title of this entry, “Flashback.”

I looked at the date of that entry, Dec. 6th, 2008. I’m thinking Dec. 6th was right before I started my finals week. I remember that week somewhat clearly. I felt so terrible that week, the week I failed a class. It’s hard to understand the impact of that failed class unless you’re in the program I’m in. Failing that class meant staying back an entire year so I could retake that class. I remember being okay when I saw that F because I was expecting it, but then my friend came over who also failed. She was already in tears and then mine started pouring out. We cried, whimpered, laughed, and bitched in a span of about 10 minutes. In the end, it turned out okay. I didn’t/don’t have to repeat a year.. for now. But I remember that gutwrenching feeling I had, it was one of the worst moments I’ve experienced. It’s funny because that entry had so much hope and optimism, I really was hoping to ace that final.

Coming back to this year, I was in a similar situation. Another class I was afraid of failing and yet, I couldn’t shake myself into that study mode, that “go ace your finals” mode. It was so self-destructive yet I couldn’t force myself to study harder. I was completely aware of that terrible feeling I could encounter once again if I failed and yet it didn’t motivate me to do better. I couldn’t understand myself. Still don’t. I guess it’s just human, to be self-destructive sometimes.

What else is new?

I just came back from a fun trip to California. Lots of sightseeing. It’s interesting how much you learn about a city when you actually go visit it instead of just reading about it. I’ve always wanted to move there, mostly due to the allure of constant sunshine and the carefree attitude. Unfortunately I don’t have a license and Cali is definitely a driving city. It’s definitely accessible by public transportation too, but having a car is definitely preferred. Things I noticed about Cali: There are lots of plazas in LA. Plazas that consist of restaurants and some stores. They’re usually pretty compact and they’re littered all around the city. People usually drive there and meet up with friends. There’s also a sizeable Hispanic population and everything in the city is mostly bilingual. The trains and buses announce things in English and Spanish, something NYC doesn’t do. All the signs seem to be written in English and Spanish too. Also interesting, a few of their subway stations seem to be geared towards Hispanics as well. They have the names of Hispanic religious figures (I think they were angels) on the walls. Their subway stations are also very nicely constructed with high ceilings and interesting artwork. Unlike NYC or Boston subway stations which are usually cramped and dingy, LA has huge ones that look like the inside of most museums, quite interesting. Everything also seems to be centered around the outdoors. We went to LACMA and it consists of about 4 buildings, each with its own type of art. So in order to see the whole LACMA collection, you’d have to visit various buildings. Also, almost all the restaurants had outdoor seating and there was just lots of outdoor seating in general. I also saw a few fast food places which was similar to Shake Shack in NYC. Just boxes where people can order their food and then sit outside and eat. It was sunny the whole time we were there, but it kind of made me wish it rained a little. I was curious to see what people did when it rained. Do they cover the outdoor seating areas with umbrellas or do they close it off, etc? It’s funny how similar LA is to NYC. If it didn’t have so many awesome palm trees, I could’ve easily mistaken it for home. However, of course LA is much more spacious and it has the awesome In-N-Outs. Maybe it’s like that with all American cities since we’re so commercialized and have so many chain stores. It definitely makes me want to travel more. But it does feel good to be home.

Other things on my mind…

I love reading blogs and other people’s thoughts especially when they’re well written and interesting. It’s always sad when someone I enjoy reading stops blogging without any explanation or when someone says goodbye to their blog. Usually when a writer writes a goodbye blog it’s because they have a huge audience and they feel it’s time to make their lives private again and close a chapter in their lives. That’s usually the case with people who have a theme to their blogs. One had a  Other times, people just stop posting… maybe like me, due to the fact that they don’t want to document their lives anymore or due to laziness. In any case, I’m always sad to see good writing dissappear.

Anyways, I’m getting tired now. Bye for now!

Hopefully I’ll do a better job updating this thing!